Rhino Ramblings

Baby Rhino rescued from Animal Kingdom

This is my third start to this blog.  The basic premise I started with a month ago remains essentially in place – my last blog centered on topics I cannot or do not want to say (”What Can I Say”). There are also topics that I Can (and now do) Say.  The original title to this blog was “ What I Can Say” (cute – right ?).  Specifically, I can and od say I am a male to female transperson.  The question I face is when is that who I need to say I am, vs the other many aspects of me that make me, me.

As I was starting my second time on this blog, I took a break and decided to watch a random movie – one of those from top ten lists.  I went to Kanopy – a library-based app with many independent films that make those annual lists (if you have a library card, it is free.  If you do not have a library card, it is also free once you get your card).  The first on my list was a 4-hour foreign film and today was not the day for that time investment.  Next was a 90-minute film called “No Ordinary Man” – much more in my time frame and in English so I figured I could multi-task.  I had no idea what the film was about.  It is a documentary about a 1940’s jazz musician, Billy Tipton.  OK – something I could watch without any deep thought or attention. I was wrong – Billy Tipton was a female to male transgender whose identity as such was not revealed, even to his wife and adopted children, until his death.  The film was one of the top documentaries in 2020.  While centered around Billy Tipton, the film included many voices within the trans community who related to his story.  I am only going to focus on a few aspects of the film I highly recommend everyone seeks it out on Kanopy or elsewhere for a fascinating story and film. 

A biography titled “Suits Me: The Double Life of Billy Tipton” by Diane Middlebrook is discussed.  I, along with the film’s various participants, was shocked and angered by the language “the double life”.  Billy Tipton had a singular life – one that was his own.  Because of the times in which he lived, personal circumstances, his own struggles and triumphs and other reasons which we will never be privy to, he chose to not say “I am a trans man”  He simply said, “I am a man; I am Billy Tipton”  Do I wish that for himself and his family those circumstances that molded his life allowed for an open and full statement of who he was – in the end, that is not for me to say or wish.

On the positive side, two quotes from the documentary interviewees struck me:

1. Marquise Vilson noted “It’s impossible to be 100% anything” 
2. And Stephan Pennington said “Do you have a voice. Are you silenced – all these questions are all about “Can a person say who they are?” – and you say who you are with your voice.  The ability to say who you are is so fundamentally important”

Put the two together, and you have my voice for this blog.  Can I say who I am with the caveat that there is not a 100% response for anyone.  With that in mind, here are three snapshots from the past month. 

I took my granddaughter Quinn on a grandparent/grandchild Road Scholar trip (I cannot say enough about Road Scholar – every grandparent I meet gets an ad from me).  We were heading to Safari West in Sonoma, CA.  First was a stop at Six Flags amusement park.  In line for a ride, there was a group of teens ahead of us. One of the girls, seemingly out of the blue, proclaimed that her tee shirt was her dad’s and just because she was wearing it, did not mean she, herself was gay. I sorta wish I was an extroverted busybody who could have engaged in a conversation with the teens.  I am going to, instead, impose my own interpretations and observations, which have no factual basis.  I only saw the shirt had the word  gay on it but the context was a positive statement about the owner’s  (if not the wearer’s, in this case) place in the LGBTQIA+ community.  So her dad was gay.  That seemed to be a given within the group and no-one really reacted to this information. That in itself is telling.  The questions that hung in the air were : “why did you wear this shirt?” and “why were you making a pointed statement as to it not being yours?”  Note that I never heard her say she was not gay – just that her wearing the shirt did not mean she was.  “Can a person say who they are”.  Was she just having fun or cute?  Or was she saying more about who she was, without saying it overtly?  Testing the waters or her peer’s reaction, perhaps?  In the end, the others did not really engage on the subject either negatively or positively – which I interpret positively.  This is possibly an example of a non-committal, non-verbal statement of who one is as one determines who they are in the context of their peers.

At Safari West, there were about 12 grandchildren along with singly attending or doubly attending grandparents.  First day, we did the old ice break intro with the theme of what were we proud about ourselves – and we could not say our grandkids.  While never seriously (and therefore this blog asking myself should I have seriously) considered, the thought did occur, that the real answer was my transition in the 90’s.  Why is that not seriously considered, whereas then and often throughout the three days the retired pastor talked about his pastorship (to be clear, he was not proselytizing, seemed non-judgmental and sincere plus his granddaughter and Quinn became BFFs). Throughout the ensuing days together, I questioned if I was leaving out part of me.  Then again, “It’s impossible to be 100% anything.”  Do I, or anyone, need to tell 100% anything about themselves.  When is my story about working at NASA (always a coolness factor) and when, if ever, do I casually note, Oh yes and I am transgender.  For me this is pretty easy when you are with your grandchild – NASA coolness wins every time.  And still, when does talking about being a pastor equivalent to talking about being trans, or gay, or some other major aspect in one’s life?  Is the answer to “Can a person say who they are?”, maybe?  And maybe that’s ok.  I was truly tempted to point out my website to the group’s leader– she was in the documentary film arena, and I likely could have had interesting conversations with her about myself and about herself.

After returning from California, I was on to my next great adventure to Disney World with my grandson, Kevin (and my son and daughter-in-law).  At the Magic Kingdom there was a person with a supportive messaging tee shirt about LGBTQIA+ and trans kids.  Again, my introverted nature held me back and I regret, at least slightly, not reaching out to them. I noticed no one else with any queer/pride regalia.  The stores at first glance seemed lacking in Pride.  I eventually found and bought a Pride tee shirt.  I donned it the next day and was proud to do so.  I was not interested in a personal statement of who I was, but I felt in today’s climate, an outward sign of Price was a statement I wanted to make.  Have I said in my blogs how proud I am of my kids?  Not only was there no flinching about my doing so, my son found a collection of Pride merchandise at Magic Kingdom where I bought the most expensive golf polo shirt ever. 

Saying who you are in your voice when you are not 100% anything is affected by many factors.  For the teen, perhaps it is a question of whether her peers gave her a safe space.  For grandparent outings, should your story usurp your grandchild’s? Do you display who you are in subtle or overt ways, and when and why do you do so?  Is the lack of using your voice, result in a missed opportunity for a personal connection? It was easier when I ignored the question and did not use my voice at all.  I am in a much better (if not as easily defined) place now that I recognize that “The ability to say who you are is so fundamentally important.”