Rhino Ramblings

Rhino Headphones for Volume 11 Listening

The rather simple title and theme of this blog are based on a comment made by Jesse Thorn on his excellent NPR interview podcast, Bullseye.  He was interviewing Paula Pell who plays the very lesbian character Gloria McManus in the very excellent comedy Girls5Eva.  (Disclaimer:  I may get the details of her life’s story less than pitch perfectly accurate, but the basic points are in tune – sorry some bad music puns since Girls5eva is about a female band).  She related how in her teens to early twenties she was open and at ease but then in an attempt to live the more “standard life” she dated men and down-played her gayness.  At some point she realized she was not being true to herself and switched to a publicly open gay life.  This all struck me as paralleling my experience.  And then Jesse threw out a phrase that hit a nerve (albeit a good one) with me – he said ”so you took it down to volume 2 for a while”.  The seed for this posting took root and hopefully will bloom to an understanding of myself and my journey.

The phrase “taking it down to Volume 2” has a non-judgmental tone.  Paula, and (switching to my story) me in the mid-90’s changed the degree to which we defined ourselves publicly but did not abandon ourselves.  I have struggled with my internal judgement (side-bar: why does non-judgmental not have an e while judgement does?) over my actions since the late 90s until the recent year or two. A brief recap (see many past blogs but specifically “Pride” and “Glass Closet” for details): in the early 90’s I began a process that resulted in my transitioning from Male to Female and in answer to Suzanne Vega in her song “As girls go” I kept “the date with the steel side of the knife”.  I co-lead two trans support groups and of course I was the first NASA employee to transition on the job.  I was playing at a volume of 9.  As the transition and surgeries and therapies and personal upheavals became past events, I did all in my power to downplay who I was and focus on who I internally strived to be.  My recent self-struggle is centered on recognizing and sorting through the meaning and effects of this trans-self submersion (Word wants me to say trans self-submersion – both hyphen placements are indeed relevant).  My feelings of guilt and abandonment of both myself (not reconciling my trans being with my female being) and my family, friends and others (who unknowingly to me were supporting my past and current self) are not fully mitigated but thinking in terms of turning the volume to 2 strikes me as an apt perspective.  I never really ignored my past. I knew it was in and around me.  The volume at which I was attuned, however, was very low.  When mis-referenced as “he” or “sir” or when I discovered people discussing my story or when directly confronted with either support or dissension based on who I was as a trans-woman, I turned the volume lower.  In retrospect, turning the volume to 2 was partly self-delusion but perhaps, as has been noted by a friend, it was also self-preservation.  This is a deeper subject than I am prepared to dive into today but will hold in abeyance for future delves into my psyche.

I discovered a new knob setting – the infamous Volume 11 from “This is Spinal Tap” (for all you young-uns, check out the movie which had many iconic moments and phrases with “turn it up to 11” being one of the most infamous and even making it into the Oxford English Dictionary).  I am still adjusting the mixer board, but the volume at which I am operating is above the max. I am seeking to be fully open and transparent as being trans, while also re-transforming myself as being female.  A little step occurred in Scotland a week ago– I bought a purse. This is telling.  In a low volume environment, I not only downplayed being trans, I downplayed my feminine side.  This is due to age and being over the need to “dress up” and also just not contemplating outward accoutrements. I am going to have to sideline this topic as it is a blog unto itself – I certainly do not want to say that one must look a certain way to be a certain person.  But the feminine appearance – dressing, accessories, even a little make-up, had once been important to me and how I approached the world and how the world approached me.  In a completely unscientific survey, carrying the purse vs stuffing my pockets with wallet and keys, has resulted in a much higher “she/ma’am” vs “he/sir” interaction rate.  The return to outwardly taking ownership of all aspects of me is already raising the volume of self-awareness and assurance.  Next step is to upgrade my wardrobe – might be time to check out some skirts and dresses – so watch out fashion world 😊 .

Of course, volume 11 means much more than carrying a purse.  Of greater importance and significance, I am striving to find my voice and to use that voice as openly and fully as able.  I have spoken to a NASA audience about my journey. I am serving on NASA LGBTQIA+ ERG (Employee Resource Group) committees and also on an inclusivity forum for Open Group – an international IT standards committee (and here I have another blog or two waiting). I will be featured on a GovCom Unfiltered podcast with Alexa Tsui.  I am scheduled to speak to private Industry groups and in the fall at a leadership event.  I am also scheduled to speak at “Flaming River Con … a LGBTQ geek convention “ in Cleveland Ohio.  My talk(s) are evolving.  I can speak solely to my journey while also honing the narrative around leadership, growth and being one’s authentic self (i.e. not simply and only focused on the T of LGBTQIA+ but enveloping the full alphabet and beyond).  My journey is the anchor, not the story itself.   Please spread the word – I not only can but want to speak at volume 11 as often, as openly, as diversely, as inclusively as others are willing to allow and invite me to speak.  The mixer board may have a set volume of 11, but the bass, treble, channels, etc are being fine-tuned.  I am excited by this latest twist in life. So along with my long-standing “let everyone know about my blog” stance, please also let any group – Government, Industry, Community Support, Nerd Conventions, Clubs, etc. – know that I am available to speak on any branch or parallel path that I am traveling.

Final note: I am switching from a bi-weekly to a monthly blog.  I will still have postings, like this one, fully focused on LGBTQIA+ topics and perspectives and will also continue to write on more general and personal topics.  As always, I appreciate hearing from you all and please pass on this blog and my story to any and everyone.