Rhino Ramblings

Parent and Daughter perhaps having The Talk

I realized this morning that my plan for this blog topic coincides with tomorrow being Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  The coincidence solidified to me to give this a go.  Let me start with some trepidation and forthrightness.  First – this is going to center on The Talk.  And yes I am an overly privileged White American who did not even know of the Talk’s existence until recent years.   I am not here to educate anyone because it is fully outside of my experience. I cannot and will not try to channel the impact on those for whom it is inside their experience.  I can only speak to what it means to me to know that such an experience exists and worst of all, must exist.

As stated, I am not going to educate, and instead for those as ignorant as I was and mostly still am, let me turn to the font of all knowledge, Wikipedia:

“The talk is a colloquial expression for a conversation Black parents in the United States feel compelled to have with their children and teenagers about the dangers they face due to racism or unjust treatment from authority figures, law enforcement or other parties, and how to de-escalate them. The practice dates back generations and is often viewed as a rite of passage for Black children.”

(Side note – if you Google The Talk (in the excerpt above they do not capitalize the T – I feel it deserves to be capitalized and will do so.) it sadly takes a long amount of scrolling to get past entertainment-oriented The Talk).

I cannot recall when I first learned of the existence of this practice, but I am certain it was through entertainment venues – likely a show like Blackish. Being aware of it in more recent years I have certainly seen and heard it in discussions on the news, TV, movies and books.  What motivated me to write this blog was a conversation I overheard at my weekly First Watch breakfast.  A reminder: this is not an opportunity for me to explain anything other than my reaction and thoughts.  There were 3 UPS co-workers. 3 Black males at different stages in life and career ( one was older and in a more supervisory role and another was still learning the UPS and union system and I am thinking the third was in between).  The talk turned towards the Dad with a teenage daughter.  He was getting a new car and planning to tint the windows (more on my thoughts on that later). They were able to quote the exact percentage that windows can be legally tinted.  They discussed how close they could get to that percentage.  And then the chilling part to me occurred – the talk (little t) turned to the daughter and The Talk.  The Dad confirmed that she has certainly had The Talk.  There was concern expressed about the danger she might be put in because her windows were legally tinted.  There were discussions of their own dangerous interactions.  And what even more chilling to me is that this was a matter-of-fact conversation.  Yes, through the cultural touchpoints, The Talk and its impications was not news to me; but nothing hits like real life.  This occurred a month or so ago and it is still disturbing to me that we, the privileged whites (and yes it is we who have done this) have created a culture where Black Dads have to fear for their children and worry about how more than legally they need to be to protect them and even so how important, nay, critical, The Talk is. 

Now let me talk (again little t) to my fellow non-Blacks as someone who grew up in what is easily described as a racist family in a racist community during a racist time.  In a different personhood I know my first reaction to the conversation would be – why do they overblow this, just follow the law and nothing bad will happen.  I recall a few years back a Black soldier in Virginia being pulled over because he was breaking the law.  There apparently is a law against hanging an air freshener off your rear view mirror.  What!  Ok, show of hands – how many of my non-Black readers know that is a law and now how many Black readers?  I am guessing that is a heavily weighted difference. 

I am going to directly channel my Dad on the topic of tinting windows (or hanging an air freshener, etc.).  His talk (very little t) would be “it is all their fault.  Why have tinted windows in the first place.   I do not so I am safe.  They should not so they will be safe.  It is their own actions ….”  Arghhhhhhh.  I even hate writing this fiction.  And yet I have to admit it was a fleeting thought in my head as the UPS guys were chatting.  But then my more reasonable self broke through.  First and foremost, what right do I have to judge someone for wanting to do something that is fully legal.  Second thought, I am blaming the victim for the sins of the afflicter. Thirdly, whether it was me projecting or from snippets of the conversation, I sense that tinting was not just an aesthetic choice; it is also a privacy choice; and perhaps (full conjecture on my part) even a self-protection in that if the police do not have a fully transparent view through the window they may not know they, or more importantly to the daughter, are Black and so it is a trade-off of safety concerns.  But none of my speculations does or should matter or even really be considered.  WTF –I have no need to know if there are any reasons or what they are – that is not my business to know and care about actions of others.  I can only accept there is a reality in which they exist and are doing the best to have their children exist.  The only question I should concentrate on is how we can continue to allow The Talk to be necessary.  Ultimately, I go back to “chilling” – that is what the existence and need for The Talk means to me.  We, as a society, need to be better than this.