Rhino Ramblings

Snapshot of me being “attacked” by a Rhino (San Diego Zoo)

Perhaps I need to add to the About Me page that I am a nerd – specifically a sci-fi nerd (stick with me here – I will get to the real part of the blog eventually).  I’ve read all of Asimov’s fiction (over 50 books) and many of his 500 or so non-fiction.  Watched/am watching all Star Wars from day 1, etc. I watched all of Star Trek from The Original Series when first aired through to today.  I even had the pleasure of attending a Gene Rodenberry (if you do not know who he is – what is wrong with you – he created Star Trek) lecture at my college (Rochester Institute of Technology) that included, at that time, a rare showing of the original Star Trek pilot in full.  I can even punch the nerd card of having started a re-watch of all Star Trek shows (listening along with the fantastic podcast The Greatest Trek that includes re-watches of The Greatest Generation, DS9 (Deep Space 9 for the non-nerd out there) and Voyager).  Ok, finally to the point, the most recent re-watch for me was The Muse – a DS9 season 4, episode 20 show that included a story of a budding writer – Captain Sisko’s son Jake – who is helped by an energy force in the guise of an alien female who goes around the universe to act as an artist’s muse (and also sucks their brains dry).  Keats was apparently helped by her (it/they?  Pronouns are tough to figure out for energy forces).  While the thoughts that eventually gel into a blog are floating in my brain almost constantly, what I would not give (well maybe not my dried out brain) for a muse to help move the writing along.

And then I found my muse – and it was me – or it was me 25 some years ago.  At the time I was the co-lead of a support group that apparently is still in existence -Metro Area Gender Identity Connection (MAGIC). I wrote a monthly article (I know – what a shocker) and I have kept copies of those articles.  So I can cheat from time to time.  I was having trouble finding the main focus for this blog.    I actually wrote almost 3/4ths of a blog and then went searching my old articles for information about support groups back then.  I re-discovered an article “Personal Snapshots” (Thus, this blog’s title) and realized it was a perfect rendering of what I was struggling to write right now.  So thank you, old me.  I am going to cheat some more and not use the whole article.  I have not read the articles since the 90s.  This one is especially personal and I need time to process both my internal thoughts and feelings and then how to express the context and clarify the full picture I presented in some of the snippets.  Maybe I am just too much of a coward to place the full list as is – but consider this one:

“Driving down the road and thinking about letting go of the wheel and slamming into a tree.  Thoughts of what I could do to myself if I owned a gun (thank goodness for my liberal anti-gun feelings).”

Now that snippet is a whooper.  Prior to re-reading the article, I would have claimed I had never articulated that part of my journey to anyone.  I claim it now as true at one time in my life but will need a full blog to delve into a full meaning and understanding. 

I am going to provide about half of the snippets here.  I started with an intro that places this in Sept 1997, three weeks prior to my surgery (I will assume you all will understand what surgery I am referring to).  I will throw in some short Notes along the way:

“In an attempt to understand my gender dysphoria several years ago, my older sisters dug up a photograph in which, as a young child, I had been dressed up as a little girl.  As I come to my fortieth birthday and with less than 3 weeks until my “re-birth”, I am reminded of this and many other “snapshots” in my life’s journey.  The following is a “photo-journal” of some key snapshots”

Note: I then moved into somewhat chronological order:

“Dressing in secret.  Sneaking out as a teenager.

Cache of clothes found by Mom.  Feeling I must be insane and scared that that insanity would be explored and discovered.  Agreeing, and believing, I would never “dress” again.

Kicked in the groin as a teenager.  Urologist says I’m lucky the kick wasn’t a half an inch over.  Thinking this means if it had been, they’d have to “amputate” and I’d be “forced” to become a girl.  I feel extremely unlucky.

Purges and re-stocking over and over again.”

Note:  A difficult and expensive re-occurrence, having to restart and hide a wardrobe.  And yet it was a common experience and as I learned later, others went through that same process.

“Growing a mustache to prove how ridiculous it is to think of myself as a female.  Ending up with a ridiculous mustache and no change of feeling. “

Note:  Wow, I forgot that one. 

Note: I am going to skip a bunch for now relating to my marriage and children– That is definitely a blog or two on its own.

“Trying to ignore my thoughts of femininity and assigning them to an internal “other” self.

Trying to use a “partial” approach of dressing – dealt with the symptoms, not the underlying issue.

Enjoying opportunities for business trips – became opportunities for dressing.  Getting a make-over and going out in Los Angeles and later in San Francisco.”

Note: This was after hours and prior to anyone knowing my deep dark secret.  I followed these snippets with the actual deep dark secret(s) of the mental and physical toll such as the note I mentioned above alluding to semi-suicidal thoughts.

Note: The next one and several therapy related snippets was actually going to be the basis of this blog around self-discovery and major decision points:

“Going to my first meeting “dressed”.  Not comfortable with the main discussions of make-up and padding.  Then went to MAGIC and found the support group that dealt with the issues I was dealing with.

First big outing in area – restaurant in DC (operated by a gay couple) and then a lesbian bar in Baltimore.  A number of supportive people at the bar which becomes a regular place for me to “go out”.

Being laughed at; having a rock thrown through my window; being stared and pointed at.

Working on my presentation; confidence; voice.”

Note:  Skipping past family interactions.

“Telling co-workers.  Amazing acceptance and support.  A couple of co-workers object, but able to reach understanding if not acceptance.

First day at work.  Co-workers handle it matter-of-factly.

Moving to new house.  Meeting people and life as Joanne.  Wonderful feeling.”

Note: Drum roll for the ending:

“Reaching post-transition – the life-long struggle to correctly define myself internally and externally finally over.

Deciding on surgeon (Dr. Meltzer of Portland Oregon) and preparing for the big day.  ALMOST HERE!!!!!!”

Spoiler:  the big day did in fact arrive.

I hope this snapshot from the past is illuminating in the present.  As always, I am happy to hear from you as to any topic that you would like me to focus on next.