Rhino Ramblings

Rhino in a Glass

Ok – I lied.  My plan was to start this blog with some cute statement like “On Sept 2, 1957, a baby was born and identified and named as the first male offspring of Ethel and Joseph Woytek”  An obvious way to start the full story of my life.  However, since I made the fateful decision to bare my soul and life to the world through this blog and other avenues, I have been forced to try and answer the question Why?  There are two why’s to answer:  Why in the mid-1990’s through May 2023 did I live my life with as little connectivity with the gender dysphoria and resulting self-resolution that led me to the life of Joanne; and the Why did I decide in May 2023 to flip the switch.  I know that I will not fully answer either why’s in one blog while I am still sorting out answers to both. So join me in a journey into my mind for the best answer I can give today.

I will answer the entirety of the transition experience in many blogs to come.  But let me note here that transitioning on the job, in the city and with the people you already know was highly discouraged in the 90’s – i.e. it was considered “wrong” by the experts at the time.  So I was bucking a trend and directive.  And while I had personal support from those I approached, I was emphatically told I had no legal support. I had to approach the on-job transition very carefully.  While I was going to fully transition, I made a very specific statement throughout that I was not going to be a Trans spokesperson and I even gave some “outs” to those who might disagree with my life (although I realized early on that was not really doable – and yet another future blog topic).  I believe my thinking was three-fold: one was that I thought I was asking the minimum possible of my co-workers; two was I was trying to not make waves with management; and three, and likely most honestly the main reason, it was a coping mechanism for me.  Looking back now, I essentially “came out of the fully enclosed dark closet” and immediately put myself into a fully transparent but pretty impregnable glass closet.  Without realizing it, I created a one way mirror.  Everyone around me could see me but on only rare occasions would the opaqueness on my side allow me to recognize that people knew and talked about and acted and reacted to my life and the changes I went through.  OK – I was pretty naïve and it only took me 25 years or so to realize that the closet was so penetrable by others.  This was in large part the reasoning given by the experts for not transitioning in place – to do so means that you can never escape your past.  Deep in my inner thinking I knew this was true, but I allowed myself to bury that thought.  Many questions: Shouldn’t the world just see me as Joanne? Do I have any relevance to the LGBTQ+ community?  What might I provide others who are on their own journey?  Boy (Girl?)  I sure came up with a lot of reasons to think and act as if I was hidden in that glass closet.  And so I reject all of the wonderful kudos I have been given in terms of my being brave or a role model or a hero or selfless or so many untrue positives (I was at least some of those in the 90’s and I now strive for those attributes today).  So this takes us to the flip and the opening of the current closet I had put myself in (or more truthfully the smashing of the glass).  A few key points:  I had occasionally opened the door and briefly stepped out over the years.  But I was never prepared to shut the door behind me and stay exposed.  I had heard about issues my children experienced in grade school and high school but never fully questioned what had happened. I have two grandchildren who will need to understand some portion of who I am and how that might affect them.  I had one of my best friends who had not known me in the 90s mention how she would cut-off people who wanted to talk about me.  These are all examples of my affecting family, friends, co-workers without my active (or even inactive) participation.  I also recognized that I had dropped the ball of providing support to others several times over the years.  Another driver was this blog – I knew from the start it could compel me to open up as I discussed my inner thoughts and outer actions.  Then there is the current climate that itself has flipped a switch at least in some areas back to the 90’s.  That is scary and disheartening – not so much for me as for all others who do not fit the mold of a group of hateful, x-phobic (trans, homo, xeno, race, other, etc.) people who want to take away the freedom to be oneself.  So so much to write about in this area.  And once I made the decision, I became so much more aware of how I should never have gone into the closet in the first place or at least left it much sooner.  A prime example was an amazing, open discussion with co-workers who opened up to me on just how transparent my life has been and the extent that they (gladly – a great credit to them) supported me in ways that I was ignorant of.  I never talked to anyone about who I am and how I got here.  That is now the past.  I am now an active participant in my own life – ultimately that is why I left the second closet.

Thank you to all who supported and support me and others.  Thank you to all who have read my blog and given me such affirmative feedback. And – please – I encourage and want your feedback – questions, comments, what have you wondered about either myself or the type of journey I and others travel in life.  I, obviously, have many topics to continue writing on – but I would enjoy and utilize knowing what you all think and wonder about.  All of me is out and open.  Let’s have some fun and interesting discussions moving forward.  Lots of ways to provide feedback – many of them below.   Also, just adding yourself as a subscriber is meaningful to me as there is a form of affirmation.  When someone subscribes, I take to heart.

Sorry for the length – I was thinking of making this a two-parter, but in reality this is an infinite-parter.  And I guess I am back to aiming for bi-weekly posts.