Rhino Ramblings

When I started writing posts a few months back, I knew that one day I would have to face the decision whether to delve into my background and life at its deepest, most personal and most historic of levels.  As I start writing this particular post, I am at that crossroads and will take a journey down a path less traveled even as I contemplate how far and long I take that path.  Multiple events, internal and external, and a frank discussion with two people who I opened up to in ways I have not in upwards of almost 30 years (thank you to them for providing much needed perspectives and thoughts) within the past few weeks informed my decision to open a door into my life that has remained closely sealed in my mind even as it was clearly not sealed from others through gossip and speculation and outright behind-my-back personal attacks, misunderstandings, and abuse of knowledge not fully known.  I will, in this post, primarily focus on what brought me to this path and take a few steps down it.  I will leave it to later writings to determine the extent of the historic events of my past (unlike the historic ones of my future).  Step one was a return to San Francisco (my first travel since March 2020 when I was also in San Francisco)-more on that in a bit.  The recent horrific turn of not just sentiments but also of law and policies to return us to a dark time of homo and trans phobia that equated to persecution and attacks that create a dangerous environment (whether from external forces of verbal abuse, beatings and outright murders or internal forces of self-loathing, self-abuse, and too often self-harm and suicide) certainly has weighed on my mind.  At the same time, June is Pride month (oh I could so write an article about dedicated months – maybe my next post), and except for participation in a Pride march in DC in the 90’s, I have mostly if not entirely ignored such events-a definite point to either explore in future posts or future therapies.  Whether I primarily view my current association with the LGBTQIA community through friends, family, co-workers and acquaintances through my past as a direct participant of LGBTQIA community including several years a co-leader of support groups in DC and Baltimore, bottom line is that I have a story of me to tell.  The breaking realization was that others are telling their version of my story, and it was time for me to own and tell it myself.  I have spent my whole life, especially the past 25+ years and now 500 words into a post, hiding in the open like a rhino trying to hide in the savanna. Let me start the journey with San Francisco.  In 1994 I was in therapy and often frustrated because I wanted and expected my therapist to give me permission to transition from my life as a born-male to a trans-woman and eventually, with gender-conforming surgery, a woman. By 1994 I was living a dual-existence life but unable or unwilling to move forward outwardly with what was driving me inwardly.  While I did not appreciate until later, my therapist spent our sessions forcing me to question myself rather than handing me answers.  And then I went to an Oracle conference in San Francisco.  The first evening I went out as Joanne.  I cannot point to any specific event beyond greatly enjoying a local jazz bar.  At the end of the evening I could not envision a world where I was not Joanne.  I scratched out my name on the badge and wrote in “Joanne” and spent the next two days fully as Joanne.  At my next therapy session, rather than seeking permission I stated that I had to move forward and take the necessary steps to a full transition to Joanne.  To my surprise, my therapist said, “ok, let’s get started”. There is so much to tell – but some quick notes for now:  I was the first person at NASA, and one of the first in the Federal Government, to transition on the job; I lost my family especially my parents and for many years my sisters and brother; I had the surgeries and am fully documented as the female Joanne; thanks to my ex-spouse, I kept and built a relationship with my children; I have faced depression and rough times; and so much more.  Most importantly, I am alive and have lived a mostly successful life with an amazing set of friends and family.  Thank you to all who read this and support me; but more so, please support those, especially the youth, who have so many struggles and hurdles in their paths due to otherness, whether LGBTQIA or other personal categories that society places us in.