Rhino Ramblings

Rhino Lego Kit (the finished product awaits help from my grandson)

This is a rare blog as I only have a title to start with.  The title comes from the place I started writing– Legoland (in Goshen NY). I mean, what other title could I use under the circumstances?  I am here with my kids and grandkids.  A very fun and well run amusement park especially for 5-8 year olds (I do not mean the 5-8 year olds are running the park).  

It turns out starting a blog with only a title can lead to many starts and stops and not necessarily the best writing.  So I decided to go to the past and use one of my articles from the 1990s.  And lo and behold throughout the first article I opened; I talked about building blocks.  Voila – my Lego/building block article was there all the time.  Please be kind – I am not going to edit my past articles unless there is a major problem or as in this case I had to add a word to what would have been an incomprehensible (even more than normal for me) sentence.  I know some of the terminology is out of date and I would likely use different language and stressed different points today, but it is a good microcosm of the 1990 me as I moved through the transition steps.  Unfortunately, I did not date these but I believe this would have been written after surgery or at least well into the full time transition.  Enjoy my youthful meanderings and as always, and as noted at the end, feel free to comment and email your thoughts and questions and pass on the article to anyone and everyone.

THE MYTH OF “I’M THE SAME PERSON”

One of the oft-repeated phrases, and I know I repeated it often enough, for transsexuals is “I do not understand why <spouse / parent / friend / co-worker> no longer wants to have anything to do with me.  I am still the same person”  This is one of the myths in the TS community which has a tinge of truth but is also fraught with difficulties.

First of all the truth:  no matter what we wear or even what we have surgically done to us, our basic genetic make-up does not change.  And, while the debate of nature vs. nurture continues to rage, our genes have a great effect on who we are.  On top of keeping our genes intact, we also cannot alter our past.  The events, both good, bad and indifferent along with the experiences and teachings which shaped our lives remain and will continue to affect who we are and who we may become.  Therefore a major core of ourselves will remain throughout our journey.

But the genetics and the history of our lives are simply building blocks.  The totality of ourselves is defined by how we use those building blocks to construct our lives, and also how those same building blocks are used by those we come in contact with.  Humankind is a social being – while the hermitic life is possible, most human beings need social interaction in order to exist.  And gender is a powerful ingredient in that social interaction.  How males interact with other males is vastly different from how they, typically, interact with females, and vice-versa.  To present in a gender different from one’s birth-assigned one is to force a change in social interaction.  While the days of after-dinner  social segregation of men to the study to smoke cigars and woman to the library to chat and knit are mostly over, step back and watch a typical social gathering.  Except where family or other special connections exist, men are likely to gather with men and women with women.  And the types of discussions will often vary dramatically.  For better or worse, and whether genetic or learned, there is a definite difference between the female social animal and the male social animal.  And if one changes one’s gender presentation, part of that change will go beyond clothing and extend to how one acts and reacts.  This does not mean acting in a stereotypical way – an MtF (male-to-female) does not need to become overly submissive, and an FtM(female to male) does not need to become overbearing.  It is a more subtle shift and can occur without even realizing it.  As one spends more time with the company of females (for MtFs) or males (for FtMs), and as others respond to one as a female/male, then one will likely change to fit in with that societal role. 

On a more personal level, transitioning will change one in the eyes of significant other (SO).  This is often accompanied with the refrain “why can’t they still love me – I’ the same person they loved before”.  But at the very least, one has significantly altered ones gender presentation to the world and to their SO.  And, in so doing, the SO who may still harbor strong emotional ties, is forced to re-examine themselves as sexual beings.  This is a paradoxical situation – while transgenderism from the TGs viewpoint is about gender preference (how one views oneself) and not sexual preference (how one sexually responds to others based on their gender), from an SO’s viewpoint, the TGs gender issues become a sexual preference issue (I’ll leave further exploration of this topic for another newsletter).  It is possible, although rare, for a loving/sexual relationship to be strengthened rather than reduced during a transition – but even so, the relationship has been changed because one of the participants is redefining themselves both internally and externally.  More commonly, the SO is filled with anger and / or grief – it is not just that the TS is changing, but to change genders is so profound from an SO’s standpoint (along with others, such as children and parents) that it is often likened to having the old self die and a new person born.  The loving and caring feelings may remain, although masked by the anger/grief, since, in fact the core building blocks mentioned above still are part of the TS.  But those feelings, if they do come through, are now directed towards someone of a different gender and the construction of those building blocks has, therefore, been altered.

Some of the changes from a purely social level and from an intimate relationship have been noted above.  Which leaves the changes from the “self” perspective.   There are a number of changes that one internally goes through.  One of the key areas is also very much what the TS journey is all about.  For all of one’s life prior to transitioning and reaching post-transition, a TS is battling a mind confused and tormented by gender issues.  The official definition of TS includes the term gender dysphoria.  Dysphoria has to do with massive conflict – not just an occasional doubt but a tearing apart day-after-day.  A common theme is one of trying to force oneself into one’s birth-assigned gender – growing a beard, getting married, joining the Marines, etc.  And all the time one is trying to force oneself into one gender mold, internally that person is struggling to find a way to live the gender that they are.  This struggle takes an enormous amount of energy.  The struggle often includes trying to suppress ones TS feelings and or trying to decide whether it is even worth continuing to live and struggle.  Surprisingly, while internally tearing a TS apart, this gender dysphoria is often not fully visible to even those in close relationship to the TS.  To continue the building block analogy, one has constructed a self that from the outside appears one way, while inside that construction a constant shoring up of the self is needed to keep from falling apart.  One of the most life-altering effects of reaching post-transition is when one wakes up one day (perhaps months or years after starting the Real Life Test (RLT – living 24 hours a day, every day of the year in the gender opposite one’s birth assigned gender)) realizing that that struggle is no longer occurring.  The old edifice has been replaced with a new one that is self-sustaining.  The energy that was spent trying to shore up a facade is now available for living life.  This release from the jail of gender dysphoria (and not surgery or societal acceptance) is, I believe, the often non-stated but real goal of transition.  And that release inevitably is accompanied with a change – both internal and external.  The core self – the building blocks remain (I am still the opinionated, stubborn, etc. person I was before).  But instead of using those building blocks to present a gender that does not fit, the building blocks are rearranged and the self is free.

So transitioning is about change – whether it be from the purely social view, the intimate view, or even the self view.  There are many reasons why change is part of the process, only some of which I have touched on.  The overall key is that transitioning is ultimately not about what one wears or how one speaks or even how much or how little society accepts one’s gender presentation.  It is about  turning and transforming a life that was stunted and warped by gender dysphoria and its effects,  into a life full of real potential to grow, live, and develop.  This transformation touches and in turn transforms both the internal self and external relationships.  Whether it be as dramatic as a gender transformation or as mundane as moving (transforming) to a new house, transformation provides an opportunity to change and grow as people.  That opportunity, despite the risks involved in any change, should not be avoided or ignored, but rather it should be fully embraced.

———————————————————————-