Rhino Ramblings

A Rainbow of Colors

Best laid plans and all…  When I started this blog a year and a half ago, I aimed for bi-weekly.  After a while I thought I would shift to a monthly schedule. And then I changed my life trajectory and walked out of that glass closet I talked about in the last blog (it is kinda cool that I can now reference past blogs along with my continual list of future topics).  With the entirety of my life now open, and the number of subscribers and readers going beyond the small group I started with (hey – hi to all the newbies), I decided to switch back to bi-weekly.  The idea was to do a week about the “trans” of it all and then the next blog would be along the lines of my earlier ones – life and thoughts in general.  I even had this blog partly written in my head.  That plan will have to wait one more cycle as the past few weeks of both activities, discussions, and way too much introspection cannot pass by without putting pen to paper.  So starting next blog the schedule will be bi-weekly alternating between a general focus blog and one more focused on my past, present and future in “the community” – you know, all those letters.

Opening up and reaching out the month that happens to be Pride month – wow, how stupid (or smart) could I be.  Plunged right into it.  Even before I have had any real time to ponder the meaning and motivation for re-emerging and navigating the murky waters of openness.  This left me with a month of internalized confusion and self-questioning.  Here was one of my first questions:  what button do I buy and wear in the DC Pride parade?  I stopped at one of the vendors there and was faced with all types of sayings and self-pronouncements.  I nearly went with the Supporter pin (which a month or two ago would have been the obvious choice for me to make) but instead went with Pride.  Small step (side note this was also the first time I bought a NASA tee shirt –I was marching with the NASA HQ contingent and they wanted everyone to wear some NASA insignia and I had none.  Had to go out to Kohl’s to buy a shirt the night before). Along a similar line I was on a panel and each person was asked to say how they identified.  I totally messed up initially and said what I had done – “transitioned M to F in the 90s”.  I corrected that later to “I identify as a woman”. A slew of discussion points around terminology and identification that I will leave here for now (parking lot / pin in it … pick your favorite retreat saying for future topics). Back to the parade – there was a mix of introversion (ha – that was going to be my topic for this blog and I managed to slip in reference at least), not knowing anyone, uncertainty of my role and expectation, 4 hours of doing nothing, sun, I suspect a moment of dehydration ill effects that combined for not the best start.  But then the parade started and it was a grand time.  Great group of people, great crowd and lots of enthusiasm.  As my first steps into the LGBTQIA+ (there – those are all those letters) community in over 25 years I left with both lots of questions of myself but a certainty that this was the right steps for me to be taking.  This past week I attended a meeting forming a trans-specific group at work and participated in two panels focused on support within the workplace.  There were various immediate take-aways.  One was a solidification that I had already noticed as I did my reach-out a month or so ago – there are lots of groups and acronyms.  This is of course a whole lot better than in the 90s when there was none.  But I do worry about fracturing of the community – whether by geographic location or the underlying group identification.  I am in a somewhat unique position “geographically” because I belong to two different parts of NASA – HQ and Goddard; and while “trans” is my obvious identification, as I noted earlier “support” is my motivating identification and that support is not limited to one community.   I felt a calling of sorts to be on watch for how to ensure there is an overall unity.  I also was moved by the stories shared by the other panelists and from the audience participation.  I applaud the organizers who brought a diversity to the panels and to the participants for being open in such a personal way.  It was inspiring.  One person commented on balancing the possible negative effects (such as bullying) on their children with the positive affection and love of their marriage and parenting.  Should she dial back outwardly in interactions with her wife?  I am not doing the best in describing her story but I will say it left me almost wordless (and that in itself is quite a testament) and could just blather out “I ..I… I just have so many feelings for you”.  Many other stories including a house bombing; life in (and then out) of the military; wonderful support from co-workers; and the opposite in having to deal with comments like “why do you have to talk about your husband <or wife>?” (of course only asked in a same-sex relationship but fine if there is a heterosexual one) .  There was so much more but I will end here with a phrase I used that people seemed to appreciate.  On both panels there were questions in terms of how best to teach supporters and confront those of a more negative-bent.  I used the term “gently educate”.  A strong and confrontational approach might satisfy an inner urge to force the person to change their ways, but a longer range approach of finding one’s own comfort level to assert one’s own beliefs can remove a platform for further negativity and replace it with a bridge to open up to when and if the other person is willing to learn and grow.