Rhino Ramblings

Dual Rhino Candlesticks

In my last post I alluded to a clear duality in myself. From an objective, in the moment perspective I am absurdly self-confident that what I am thinking, envisioning, discerning, logically concluding, intuiting, etc. is inarguable – i.e. correct beyond dispute. Especially for those who work with and for me this results in the “No” knee jerk responses many have gotten from me and the “I just thought of this but clearly I got it right” declarations. At the same time, from a subjective, reflective perspective I am equally uncertain that I provide any benefit, positivity, correctness or as seen as being in anyway knowledgeable, logical or worth paying attention to. This duality is in full display when asked to give a presentation or interview (especially without any prepared slides but even with slides which I tend to not review until actually doing the presentation). When asked if I am ready, I respond “Yes, I am interested in what I will say today”. There is a built-in confidence (some may say smugness) inherent in this attitude. But along with that confidence is uncertainty if I am going to be coherent mush less interesting. In fact one of the reasons I stopped preparing (in my earlier years I would prepare extensively) is that I would lose confidence in my tale to tell as I pondered it in advance. Then I get started and just keep on rolling through the talk. When completed, I hate doing any review because I am certain that I was seen as a buffoon for my remarks. And yet I also have heard enough kudos to know that my self-criticism is much (if not totally) at odds with those who sat through my prattling. My unofficial diagnosis that this tension of self-duality is a major reason for what can by many people (not necessarily always me) be considered a successful life and career. Not a new concept for me to consider, going back to my last post about loss which had buried in it the duality of my self confidence tinged by self doubt in my relation to three essential women in my life. I had written the blog shortly after watching a documentary (I might come back to how I find these gems in my next blog) called Seymour: An Introduction. Ethan Hawke created the film after meeting and becoming friends with the pianist Seymour Bernstein. Ethan was contemplating how he was extremely successful financially and as a celebrity but suffered extreme stage fright. Seymour is a top pianist who said after his first performance in his teens that he would never perform again due to lack of confidence even while recognizing his innate abilities. He went on and performed until he was 50 when he totally stopped publicly performing and turned to being a much sought after teacher. The concept was summed up in a story Seymour had told Ethan about Sarah Bernhardt (a famous stage actress in the turn of the 20th century). She was approached by an aspiring actress who noticed Sarah’s hand was trembling so she asked why such a great actress could be nervous to which Sarah replied “You will get nervous when you learn how to act.”
A side note related to a story Seymour tells about attending a concert at the age of 5 and crying during a Schubert sonata because, as he told his concerned mother “Oh, it’s the most beautiful piece I ever heard.” I had a similar reaction recently. For reasons too long for this post I was privileged to be at a concert by the American Vinyl All Star Band americanvinylallstarband.net which includes founding members/guitarists of Boston and Steely Dan. During a rousing rendition of My Old School I felt tears welling up. People immediately assume it was nostalgia. But it truly was because the musicality was one of the most beautiful and special I had ever heard.